Ramadhan 1432 Hijr

It's been long since I wrote something blog......

The last times I wrote was about some stupid thing about some Utusan reporter.....

And before that it was full of killing myself, revenge, break up, heartbroken, hatred, and bloody revenge.......

And all of that was lat year........

Since early this year, I was trying to find myself. I look inside myself and I couldn't find anything, just an empty shell of myself. I keep on trying until I was nearly gave up. Life was miserable. Things doesn't go as well as I planned. Most of nights I feel sad and lonely. There were few times I was thinking on ending my life straight away. Since I live alone in my own house now, if I kill myself literally, people will only realize most likely a week after that.

I think I have a lot of friends, the truth is they are not real friends. They are just people pretending to be my friends. I thought they are like my family. I care about them so much. In the end, what they did was just back stab me. What a cruel world.

I keep on searching for my life. It was until the early Ramadhan. I felt sick. The worst ever. I can't even breath. And I was alone, even the person that was so close to me doesn't even care. He just sleep. I was petrified. This time I was hit to the lowest of my life. I am hungry and have no energy at all. When I woke up, the thing just hit me.

Before this, I pretend too much. I pretend I am praying, the truth I am not. I pretend I am fasting, the truth I am not. I pretend I am a good person, the truth I am not. Suddenly, I was thinking. Why must I pretend? Why don't I just do it because I want to do it. I have been wasting so much time of my life for pretending. And then I realize all the bad things happen to me because I never tell the truth in my life.

Maybe I am a good grifter. I learn how to cheat, act and grift since I was kid. I am so good at it up until nobody can know what is the truth inside me. In fact I am not sure if I have any truth inside me at all. How am I suppose to have friends if most of the time I keep on grifting to play my part my well? I am not to be trusted because I never trust anybody. I only consider few people (less than five to be honest) to be my friends.

Since then, I think I should stop all those thing. Stop pretending, acting, cheating and grifting. just show the truth about yourself. And I feel much more peace inside me. Slowly, things start to come back to me. Things start to change in a good way. Now I realize, I was on the wrong road for so long up until I forget to turn back to the right one.

For me, maybe this month will full of blessing can help me to become a better person. Hopefully I can keep the momentum going and give me some time to get accustom to my new routine.

p/s: I do hope one person which is the closest friend of me read this. If you read this you know how to find me. I am sorry for all the trouble I cause you.